I have also written about my experience with disability insurance here and here.
Most of my limited energy and concentration this week have been consumed with a decision that’s at hand. I spent a year and a half working with lawyers to appeal my disability insurance company’s decision to deny me benefits, but my last appeal has been rejected. Now, it is time to decide whether I am up to pursuing a court case.
There is no easy way forward. A court case would mean I spend another year or so of excessive stress, anxiety, time, and energy consumption in the pursuit of justice. I don’t know if I have any of that to give. My body and mind are already fully consumed by being sick, struggling financially, working doggedly to feel better, and trying to figure out who I am now that I can’t work or do other “normal things” for people my age. Even if I give up on any of these important pursuits, and find the reserves to throw myself into this expensive legal battle, justice isn’t guaranteed.
I would love to think I have a choice. I haven’t signed any agreements about moving ahead with a court case, and I am not obligated to. However, giving up the case would mean forfeiting my last chance to pay for my own living expenses until/unless I get better. I find it hard to consider accepting any kind of charity from friends, family, or strangers, if I haven’t exhausted all possible opportunities to access the monetary benefits I am owed.
It has been four days since I first read the lawyer-drafted documents which are awaiting my signature. Since I read them, I have had extra nausea, unparalleled anxiety, and multiple sleepless nights. It feels like it would be a kindness to my body and mind to stop fighting for my money. But I don’t think that’s an option.